Upstream

Think Before You Snap!

A bill, seeking so called “Snapchat Justice,” was recently passed by both the house and senate, and is currently awaiting the signature of President Barrack Obama. The bill, which had unanimous bipartisan support from both Democrats and Republicans in Congress would create a national database of every snap exchanged throughout the United States starting February 20^th, 2014. The national database, which is already facing criticism from concerned citizens, is only part of the bill though. The larger and more controversial portion of the bill would create a national register of snap chatters ranked by a newly developed Mark Zuckerberg algorithm.

The algorithm is by nature extremely complicated, but in essence ranks individual snappers by how frequently they send “dumba$% snaps.” Zuckerberg, an avid opponent of the bill, which he believes violates human privacy, was forced by an executive order to write the algorithm. Despite initially creating an algorithm that ranked snappers based on their resemblance to Hillary Clinton, Zuckerberg eventually gave in to Obama’s mandate.

Snapchatters across the country are up in arms and have sought an explanation from the company itself. So far Snapchat has been relatively hush hush about the situation, but an inside source at the company has released official documents that indicate a close relationship between Snapchat and the governments of both the United States and Russia. The documents seem to suggest an exchange based relationship between the three parties in which snaps are exchanged for both money, and drugs seized and owned by the DEA.

Upstream spoke with multiple concerned individuals about this breach of privacy and how it is affecting the way they snap. One Man, a Dustin Grafton, reported that he “just can’t imagine such a violation of his privacy actually being enacted by the government he has grown to trust,” and then went on to acknowledge that he,”Sends some pretty f*cked up sh*t over Snapchat,” and that now he’ll, “Have to be more aware of what he is snapping.” He then went on to admit that in all honesty he “will most likely get wasted over the weekend and send a bunch of questionable sh*t to unsuspecting victims,” but that nevertheless, this was still pissing him off.

The government claims that these measures are being taken to both enlighten people as to better snapping methods, and also to help solve crimes. Last month a Philadelphia district attorney was able to successfully prosecute a thief who robbed a liquor store at gun point. Evidently the young man, a Dennis Happsburth snapped a picture of himself holding over $1000.00 of stolen money while chugging a bottle of Ketel One. The snap was to a female interest, and was captioned “Just robbed a liquor store. Free booze. Get at me.”

This news all comes in light of controversy over the recent months regarding how closely the government should be monitoring its citizens – both innocent and guilty. Harry Reid a sponsor of the bill, assured American citizens however, that they should not worry about this bill. “It really won’t influence your life that much.” Assured Reid, “Your d*ck snaps to that cute honey you met at a party last weekend will not show up on Fox News.”