Upstream

The Flappy Method - An Upstream Exclusive

Among reports of overuse, frustration, and failure there may actually be a silver lining in the short, but powerful flappy bird saga that has swept the country in recent weeks. Dr. Ponderosa, a psychologist at the University of California Berkley claims that despite widespread negativity towards the popular game, he has managed to harness its good nature by providing treatment to multiple drug users in order to overcome their overwhelming addictions. In his new study, entitled “Flap away the dependence,” Dr. Ponderosa has documented a complete departure from drug abuse in 150 male and female patients. The two week program which increases the time in which patients spend flapping has yet to see a single individual fall through the cracks. “Our results are 100 percent true and 100 percent effective,” claims Dr. Ponderosa.

With confidentiality to consider Dr. Ponderosa wished not to release any information regarding any particular patient, but did agree to support interviews of patients at their own will. Upstream was able to secure an interview with a Monica Parney, a recovered heroin addict, who is actually regarded as one of Dr. Ponderosas most successful patients. Unlike most other patients, Monica was able to overcome her addiction in a mere four days oppose to the typical two weeks. Dr. Ponderosa was “happy to hear that she [Monica] had decided to come forth and tell her story.” He also indicated that he “hoped that her [Monica’s] words would inspire more people in similar situations to come forth and flap away their dependence.” “With widespread success among all patients, this treatment is sure to be the way of the future.” Exclaimed Dr. Ponderosa before going to retrieve Monica from one of the “Flapping Rooms.”

According to Monica she was fresh off an intense heroin free 15 hour flap session. She indicated that she “had only 15 minutes to speak with us, because she [Monica] was due for another session shortly thereafter.” When asked to elaborate on the nature of the program, Monica had nothing bad to report “Ya know, I used to be lost, I was shooting up heroin all the time, banging dudes for more drugs, f*&k, I was a complete wreck, that is until I met Dr. Ponderosa. He changed my life.” Monica then went on to further explain the programs procedure, “Essentially you just flap all the time. The first day I flapped for a good 10 hours, the second a good 15, and by the third I was flapping nearly 22 hours a day with not a single urge to go shoot up. It’s honestly not that hard, just takes some dedication and patience.”

Monica then cut the initial fifteen minutes to five after springing up mid-sentence and demanding a “god d@mn mother f*&king phone so she could put that little f$&king bird through a f*^king Mario tube.” Dr. Ponderosa indicated after sending Monica back to her Flapping Room that this behavior was certainly normal and nothing to be alarmed about. He even dismissed Monica breaking into another Flapping Room and demanding that the other patient “hand over their d$mn phone, before I [Monica] shove my foot so far up your a#$ that you wish they were high again,” as a “mild clinical side effect that soon will be worked out of the program.”

“These people have lived life on the edge for years, and despite drastic initial results, we still see some temperament issues to follow. The healing process is not any easy one,” Claimed Dr. Ponderosa, while adding that the severity of the incidents has increased since the removal of the game from the app market. “These ex-addicts don’t want a flappy bee, or another bird that likes to fly in the tropics, these people need the real flappy bird, not some fabrication.” Dr. Ponderosa has received a number of used phone donations however, and is happy that people realize the importance of helping those that are struggling with drug abuse. “This is essentially a community initiative. Help these people flap away their dependence, and they won’t light up your f*&king sh@t, and steal your car for drug money.”

Dr. Ponderosa has financed the program with the help of a number of grants from both the University and California state government. He says that given his positive results he expects to continue to expand the program, maybe even nationwide. “If addicts in California are getting over their addictions through flapping, surely those elsewhere can as well,” claimed an optimistic Dr. Ponderosa. “I’m just here to help these people get off on a better foot. I myself know the dangers of drug abuse, and am on a mission to treat as many people as I can.” Dr. Ponderosa plans to expand the number of Flapping Rooms – eight foot by eight foot squares painted all black with no lighting – from 60 to 250 by the end of the end of April. He is also overseeing a number of hackers who are attempting to develop a way to copy and transfer the app to cell phones and tablets that don’t currently have it. “We’ll guide this ship by optimism, and increased results.” Claimed Ponderosa “Just imagine the possibilities – a potentially drug free nation of flappers.”