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Paleo Diet - Unleash the Caveman 

Despite being somewhat of a rebel among other diets, the paleo diet has rightfully secured it's place as one of the most popular diet plans in America. The diet, which attempts to mimic the eating patterns of our oldest ancestors has swept the nation and given a new trendy option to those looking to impress their friends with diet rhetoric, but not actually committ to any real change.  

Those on the diet are advised to depart from the traditional nutritional recommendations of the U.S. government and every other nutritional organization in the country, and completely change the way they think about their food consumption. 

The three main staple foods on the diet are twigs, rocks, and perhaps most important, common yard weeds. Dieters may of course indulge in the occasional insect and for a bigger protein boost may slaughter and consume raw meat from wild game, but other than that the diet is relatively strict as to what is allowed and what is not. 

Dr. Loren Cordain, founder of the Paleo diet, claims that, "It [the Paleo diet] is a great alternative to conventional nutrition, and will without doubt help you dramatically in realizing your health goals." Cordain, who has been on the diet for a good 10 years now, admits that it was hard at first, "Especially the sediment filled sh%ts," but also that, "Over time it gets better and makes you feel much healthier." 

Proponents of the Paleo diet will gather in two weeks at Cordain's annual Paleo Fest. This is the seventh year that the festival has been held. Each year festival attendance has grown greatly, and this year is expected to be no different. "We are expecting a record turnout." Claimed Cordain after chomping down two maple branches and an acorn. 

The diet, which is obviously controversial in nature has been subject to a lot of scrutiny since it's creation. Both the nutritional elements and behaviors of dieters have been called to attention on multiple occasions. Just last month a dieter in Northern Virginia was arrested for killing neighborhood animals and hanging them in his front yard, while another was arrested three months ago for wearing nothing but a tight fitting loin cloth in close proximity to a local elementary school. 

"There certainly are some issues with the diet, I'm not about to ignore that," claimed Cordain, but "Given the results that people have seen, I think we can excuse these isolated incidents as just that. Paleo dieters are respectable people working towards a healthier lifestyle." Cordain then got up, left her office and began picking through her secretaries hair in search of Paleo approved vermin. 

With the popularity of the diet, several land excavation and landscaping companies have actually opened wholesale Paleo diet markets, and so far have been able to generate a respectable flow of Paleo clientele. This, in light of the current economic situation has been happily accepted by local communities as new jobs are popping up all around the country in these large warehouse style dispensaries.  

"Paleo is the way of the future," claimed Cordain through a satisfied grin after finding a beetle in her secretaries hair. "It's not just about health, but also about getting America back to it's roots. We are so overrun with distractions these days, and sometimes you just gotta sit down look up at the clouds and eat some da*n good rocks."