Think Before You Snap!

A bill, seeking so called “Snapchat Justice,” was recently passed by both the house and senate, and is currently awaiting the signature of President Barrack Obama. The bill, which had unanimous bipartisan support from both Democrats and Republicans in Congress would create a national database of every snap exchanged throughout the United States starting February 20^th, 2014. The national database, which is already facing criticism from concerned citizens, is only part of the bill though. The larger and more controversial portion of the bill would create a national register of snap chatters ranked by a newly developed Mark Zuckerberg algorithm.

The algorithm is by nature extremely complicated, but in essence ranks individual snappers by how frequently they send “dumba$% snaps.” Zuckerberg, an avid opponent of the bill, which he believes violates human privacy, was forced by an executive order to write the algorithm. Despite initially creating an algorithm that ranked snappers based on their resemblance to Hillary Clinton, Zuckerberg eventually gave in to Obama’s mandate.

Snapchatters across the country are up in arms and have sought an explanation from the company itself. So far Snapchat has been relatively hush hush about the situation, but an inside source at the company has released official documents that indicate a close relationship between Snapchat and the governments of both the United States and Russia. The documents seem to suggest an exchange based relationship between the three parties in which snaps are exchanged for both money, and drugs seized and owned by the DEA.

Upstream spoke with multiple concerned individuals about this breach of privacy and how it is affecting the way they snap. One Man, a Dustin Grafton, reported that he “just can’t imagine such a violation of his privacy actually being enacted by the government he has grown to trust,” and then went on to acknowledge that he,”Sends some pretty f*cked up sh*t over Snapchat,” and that now he’ll, “Have to be more aware of what he is snapping.” He then went on to admit that in all honesty he “will most likely get wasted over the weekend and send a bunch of questionable sh*t to unsuspecting victims,” but that nevertheless, this was still pissing him off.

The government claims that these measures are being taken to both enlighten people as to better snapping methods, and also to help solve crimes. Last month a Philadelphia district attorney was able to successfully prosecute a thief who robbed a liquor store at gun point. Evidently the young man, a Dennis Happsburth snapped a picture of himself holding over $1000.00 of stolen money while chugging a bottle of Ketel One. The snap was to a female interest, and was captioned “Just robbed a liquor store. Free booze. Get at me.”

This news all comes in light of controversy over the recent months regarding how closely the government should be monitoring its citizens – both innocent and guilty. Harry Reid a sponsor of the bill, assured American citizens however, that they should not worry about this bill. “It really won’t influence your life that much.” Assured Reid, “Your d*ck snaps to that cute honey you met at a party last weekend will not show up on Fox News.” 

Breaking - Super Bowl Trophy actually Drug Paraphernalia 

After being initially noticed by an analyst at CNN, it would appear that the the concerns have been confirmed. The Super Bowl trophy, awarded to the Seattle Seahawks just weeks ago is in fact a huge marijuana smoking device. 

The large dent in the back of the football, which was overlooked at first as a mistake on behalf of the welder is now being called the Super Bowl of the Super Bowl, after being formally acknowledge by the NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. 

"Given the legality of Marijuana in each respective opponents home states, we thought that the super pipe would be a great way to help them wind down after an intense game of football." claimed Roger Goodell in a press address earlier this morning. "I'm not saying that players should be high all the time or anything, but c'mon man, if I was Russell Wilson, I think I deserve more than a generous hit off some good kush," added Goodell after jokingly suggesting that "Perhaps Payton took a huge rip from that football prior the game." 

The news comes as somewhat of a slap in the face to New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, who released an official statement following Goodell's press release that stated, "Given the marijuana laws in the state of New York, I am surprised that Mr. Goodell would pull such a stunt. Having such a device in New York City is illegal and will remain illegal. It is unfortunate that such a ploy was committed behind my back. We plan to utilize all legal action available to punish those involved in this immature stunt." 

Despite generating a huge amount of controversy, the CNN analyst, Dennis Fischer, is being regarded highly for discovering the truth behind the trophy. "Initially, I thought that it was a mistake, or maybe a dent to remember all of those affected by concussions, but then I realized holy sh&t, that thing is a giant f*&king piece." claimed Fischer. He also added that in light of his detective work, he think he deserves "One massive hit of that sweet football." 

Reports of whether or not the device have actually been used have not surfaced yet, but numerous tweets from clearly baked Seahawks have provided some insight into that issue. Most notably was a tweet by Super Bowl MVP Malcom Smith that read, "Bout to eat me some mother f*&king munchies, damn you mista footballlllllll #mvp #manningdefeat."

 

Paleo Diet - Unleash the Caveman 

Despite being somewhat of a rebel among other diets, the paleo diet has rightfully secured it's place as one of the most popular diet plans in America. The diet, which attempts to mimic the eating patterns of our oldest ancestors has swept the nation and given a new trendy option to those looking to impress their friends with diet rhetoric, but not actually committ to any real change.  

Those on the diet are advised to depart from the traditional nutritional recommendations of the U.S. government and every other nutritional organization in the country, and completely change the way they think about their food consumption. 

The three main staple foods on the diet are twigs, rocks, and perhaps most important, common yard weeds. Dieters may of course indulge in the occasional insect and for a bigger protein boost may slaughter and consume raw meat from wild game, but other than that the diet is relatively strict as to what is allowed and what is not. 

Dr. Loren Cordain, founder of the Paleo diet, claims that, "It [the Paleo diet] is a great alternative to conventional nutrition, and will without doubt help you dramatically in realizing your health goals." Cordain, who has been on the diet for a good 10 years now, admits that it was hard at first, "Especially the sediment filled sh%ts," but also that, "Over time it gets better and makes you feel much healthier." 

Proponents of the Paleo diet will gather in two weeks at Cordain's annual Paleo Fest. This is the seventh year that the festival has been held. Each year festival attendance has grown greatly, and this year is expected to be no different. "We are expecting a record turnout." Claimed Cordain after chomping down two maple branches and an acorn. 

The diet, which is obviously controversial in nature has been subject to a lot of scrutiny since it's creation. Both the nutritional elements and behaviors of dieters have been called to attention on multiple occasions. Just last month a dieter in Northern Virginia was arrested for killing neighborhood animals and hanging them in his front yard, while another was arrested three months ago for wearing nothing but a tight fitting loin cloth in close proximity to a local elementary school. 

"There certainly are some issues with the diet, I'm not about to ignore that," claimed Cordain, but "Given the results that people have seen, I think we can excuse these isolated incidents as just that. Paleo dieters are respectable people working towards a healthier lifestyle." Cordain then got up, left her office and began picking through her secretaries hair in search of Paleo approved vermin. 

With the popularity of the diet, several land excavation and landscaping companies have actually opened wholesale Paleo diet markets, and so far have been able to generate a respectable flow of Paleo clientele. This, in light of the current economic situation has been happily accepted by local communities as new jobs are popping up all around the country in these large warehouse style dispensaries.  

"Paleo is the way of the future," claimed Cordain through a satisfied grin after finding a beetle in her secretaries hair. "It's not just about health, but also about getting America back to it's roots. We are so overrun with distractions these days, and sometimes you just gotta sit down look up at the clouds and eat some da*n good rocks." 

Breaking - The War Against Bieber Has Begun 

Today in a surprise White House press address the President decided to use his handy pen to declare his newest Executive Order - War on Bieber. According to the press address , President Barrack Obama has "Simply had it with these Bieber shenanigans," and "Will not stand to watch or allow anymore." The President initially swore to "lock his [Bieber's] a#$ up in Guantanamo, and open a can of Bush error torture up in his [Bieber's] sh*t," but then rescinded that statement, and acknowledged "That it was simply in the moment." 

During the press address Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton flanked either side of Obama's podium, and each sported black hoodies, imprinted with a picture of the young pop star under a large red X. 

Obama did acknowledge that "perhaps this was not the best use of the U.S. Military, but that given our track record on war over the past decade, who really cares anyway." He then went on to propose that "h%ll, maybe the little sh^t has nuclear weapons stashed in Calabasas."

Congress does have the power to pass legislation to cancel the executive order, but at this point no such action has been taken, and it would appear that no such action will be taken. Following the press conference John Boehner tweeted "@BarrackObama Nice decision on the exec. order today man. That little sh#t isn't even gonna know what hit him. #bringthebigguns #bipartisanship." 

Troops have already been deployed, and have been seen canvasing area's of the country looking for the famed singer. Rumors of an all teenage girl militia that utilizes guerrilla war style tactics have been publicized but not rightfully confirmed. 

The White House did confirm that there is no need to worry, and that the personal safety of all American's will be preserved during this dark time. "You don't need to hide in your home or anything. Just go about your normal lives, and we will take care of this little Tupac wannabe." Promised a confident Obama at the close of the press address. 

The Flappy Method - An Upstream Exclusive

Among reports of overuse, frustration, and failure there may actually be a silver lining in the short, but powerful flappy bird saga that has swept the country in recent weeks. Dr. Ponderosa, a psychologist at the University of California Berkley claims that despite widespread negativity towards the popular game, he has managed to harness its good nature by providing treatment to multiple drug users in order to overcome their overwhelming addictions. In his new study, entitled “Flap away the dependence,” Dr. Ponderosa has documented a complete departure from drug abuse in 150 male and female patients. The two week program which increases the time in which patients spend flapping has yet to see a single individual fall through the cracks. “Our results are 100 percent true and 100 percent effective,” claims Dr. Ponderosa.

With confidentiality to consider Dr. Ponderosa wished not to release any information regarding any particular patient, but did agree to support interviews of patients at their own will. Upstream was able to secure an interview with a Monica Parney, a recovered heroin addict, who is actually regarded as one of Dr. Ponderosas most successful patients. Unlike most other patients, Monica was able to overcome her addiction in a mere four days oppose to the typical two weeks. Dr. Ponderosa was “happy to hear that she [Monica] had decided to come forth and tell her story.” He also indicated that he “hoped that her [Monica’s] words would inspire more people in similar situations to come forth and flap away their dependence.” “With widespread success among all patients, this treatment is sure to be the way of the future.” Exclaimed Dr. Ponderosa before going to retrieve Monica from one of the “Flapping Rooms.”

According to Monica she was fresh off an intense heroin free 15 hour flap session. She indicated that she “had only 15 minutes to speak with us, because she [Monica] was due for another session shortly thereafter.” When asked to elaborate on the nature of the program, Monica had nothing bad to report “Ya know, I used to be lost, I was shooting up heroin all the time, banging dudes for more drugs, f*&k, I was a complete wreck, that is until I met Dr. Ponderosa. He changed my life.” Monica then went on to further explain the programs procedure, “Essentially you just flap all the time. The first day I flapped for a good 10 hours, the second a good 15, and by the third I was flapping nearly 22 hours a day with not a single urge to go shoot up. It’s honestly not that hard, just takes some dedication and patience.”

Monica then cut the initial fifteen minutes to five after springing up mid-sentence and demanding a “god d@mn mother f*&king phone so she could put that little f$&king bird through a f*^king Mario tube.” Dr. Ponderosa indicated after sending Monica back to her Flapping Room that this behavior was certainly normal and nothing to be alarmed about. He even dismissed Monica breaking into another Flapping Room and demanding that the other patient “hand over their d$mn phone, before I [Monica] shove my foot so far up your a#$ that you wish they were high again,” as a “mild clinical side effect that soon will be worked out of the program.”

“These people have lived life on the edge for years, and despite drastic initial results, we still see some temperament issues to follow. The healing process is not any easy one,” Claimed Dr. Ponderosa, while adding that the severity of the incidents has increased since the removal of the game from the app market. “These ex-addicts don’t want a flappy bee, or another bird that likes to fly in the tropics, these people need the real flappy bird, not some fabrication.” Dr. Ponderosa has received a number of used phone donations however, and is happy that people realize the importance of helping those that are struggling with drug abuse. “This is essentially a community initiative. Help these people flap away their dependence, and they won’t light up your f*&king sh@t, and steal your car for drug money.”

Dr. Ponderosa has financed the program with the help of a number of grants from both the University and California state government. He says that given his positive results he expects to continue to expand the program, maybe even nationwide. “If addicts in California are getting over their addictions through flapping, surely those elsewhere can as well,” claimed an optimistic Dr. Ponderosa. “I’m just here to help these people get off on a better foot. I myself know the dangers of drug abuse, and am on a mission to treat as many people as I can.” Dr. Ponderosa plans to expand the number of Flapping Rooms – eight foot by eight foot squares painted all black with no lighting – from 60 to 250 by the end of the end of April. He is also overseeing a number of hackers who are attempting to develop a way to copy and transfer the app to cell phones and tablets that don’t currently have it. “We’ll guide this ship by optimism, and increased results.” Claimed Ponderosa “Just imagine the possibilities – a potentially drug free nation of flappers.”